Amnesia
by Aurora-Borealis Coyote
Summary: In a moment of carelessness, Envy hits his head and loses his memory. However, he "remembers", after being informed of it, that he is married to Edward Elric. Edward is certainly in for a surprise...CRACK.


**Er…here's some nice crack for you all. I love crack fics, I really do….meh. I don't want to post the next MYM chapter just yet, and I had other stuff I wanted to put up like this. Ohoho, my mind…**

**Pairings: EdwardxEnvy…and one line seems like LustxEnvy, that was done on purpose as you shall see, muahaha. And a line of ScarxLust, hehehe. **

**Genre: PURE CRACK. SO MUCH CRACK. **

It was a typical good day for the Homunculi. I say a typical "good day" because the Homunculi mainly have bad days since they are soulless creatures taken from some power-hungry old guy with no emotions named Father's being. So when they have a good day, it usually involves not being killed or used for Father's experiments/missions/music videos and it usually involves resting.

So Lust was cooking some BBQ over a fire, the meat impaled by her talons. Gluttony was attempting to not eat the meat being cooked. Sloth was sleeping. Father was being crushed under Sloth. Wrath was suing Pride from the anime for identity theft. Pride was eating the postman with his tentacle-shadows. Greed was somehow not surrounded by chimeras or strippers, and was amusing himself by turning into his Ultimate Shield form and into his regular form over again.

Envy was walking down the stairs. "Hey Greed," he said. "What's up? How hard is that thing exact-" but he didn't get to finish his sentence, because he tripped down the stairs over a pair of Sloth's shoes. Sloth, being Sloth, was too lazy to put his shoes in a less hazardous place. Well, it works better for us, so we can't blame him, right? Right. So because of Sloth's laziness and Envy's distractedness, Envy was unconscious.

_Later…_

But when Envy woke up, he was lying in Lust's bed, being examined by her.

No, not like that. Lust has medical talents and was checking out the damage on Envy's head.

Well, maybe like that. Envy does, after all, spend a whole lot of time with Lust…

Anyway, Envy had woken up and looked around. "Where…what's happening?" he asked, sitting up in the bed, wriggling out of grogginess. As he did, he took off some of the bed sheets. If he remembered who Scar was, he would have been wondering why Scar's shirt was in there.

"You have amnesia," Lust smiled.

"I…have…no, I remember that you are Lust and I'm Envy and we live in Amestris, which is a colony of Spain," Envy told her. "Wait…" something about that didn't seem quite right. Maybe they lived in Drachma, it did seem really cold in there…but really, it was the draftiness of Father's "let's go so old-school, there are cracks in the walls" ancient-themed manor. He just didn't remember.

"Do you remember anything else?" probed Lust.

"Uh…some red stones, and gunshots, and a metal arm against mine, a lot of close contact, I was with this small blond guy…a lot!" Since Lust had been very bored lately, she decided just for the hell of it to mix some things up. After all, life had gotten pretty boring after it had been decided she'd get killed off first out of all the Homunculi.

"You mean your husband, Edward Elric…the Fullmetal Alchemist?" This could get very interesting, she thought. But then again, most of her matchmaking escapades were.

"Oh, right! I remember! And…he proposed to be in Laboratory 5?"

"Yes, I was there. It was quite romantic really." Lust had decided to really have fun with this one. Oh, and how she did.

Ah, young love, she thought mischievously.

_In HQ…_

Edward was just having a regular day. He was hanging out watching Havoc receive telegram breakups, Hawkeye discreetly slip aspirin into her coffee, and just as he heard Colonel Bastard say "there hasn't really been much new news about the Homunculi lately," someone opened the door and walked in.

"Hello Edward!" rang a very familiar voice.

It _wasn't._

Not even the…person who Edward could have sworn he heard wouldn't barge into HQ like some happy visitor checking up on everyone. Not even he would be that reckless…

Envy, decided Edward was very, very, very strange. Was he trying to get himself in trouble? Because he could very well succeed…

Edward tried to compose himself, because really, he was surprised, confused, and slightly disturbed by the look on Envy's face, which could only be described as "innocent." In fact, he was looking around in a disoriented manner, and when he saw Roy Mustang, he tilted his head and started blinking as if trying to recall something.

"Envy…?"

"I got amnesia, dear, but I'm fine now!"

Okay, yeah, something was definitely wrong here. It could be the fact that Envy was broadcasting his incredibly convenient loss of memory to his enemies, but Edward thought the main problem was that Envy had referred to him as "dear." Dear? Thought Edward. HELL NO.

So he took Envy by the shoulder and directed him to a side room, with a window in the door, just in case he needed to be helped by someone. Heaven only knew what Envy could have done….

"WHAT happened exactly," began Edward, rubbing his temples.

"I hit my head, really hard," Envy said. No shit, Edward thought, but kept quiet. "I don't really remember a lot, so I was hoping you could tell me some?" This could get…interesting.

Edward didn't know whether to shout "HOORAY!" and marry Envy right then and there, or yell "OH SHIT" and run away as fast as possible.

"Um…"

"Oh come on, Edward, we're married, it's no big deal!"

So it looked like Edward couldn't do the first one because apparently, he _already had. _

Edward was really prepared to take Envy by the shoulders and shake him as he stared amorously at him with those freaky purple eyes. "Would you like to know what I'd like to….re-live?" he asked lasciviously, and started taking off Edward's coat and unbraiding his hair-Envy, Edward thought, was either going to be honored or killed slowly and painfully by both the military and the other Homunculi.

Oh wow, Envy had started making out with Edward and he hadn't even noticed at first because he was too distracted by the fact that Colonel Mustang had been standing in front of the door's window and appeared to be frozen in shock. How funny.

Since Edward realized that Envy wasn't going to stop, and it would really freak out Flame Bastard, and NOT AT ALL because he was having fun, Edward just kept going with the flow.

Okay, he was having fun. Not that he'd ever admit it.

"Envy I'm going to get court-marshaled…" Edward began, pushing Envy away.

"Um…Court-marshal me on that desk, right there!" Envy cackled, pointing to Hughes's desk, starting to pull Edward along while still trying to make out with him. This was a lot harder than it sounds.

"Envy!" Edward tried to say, but since his mouth was pretty much occupied, all he could manage to say was "Mmmmhgm."

"Huh?" Envy pulled away to ask.

"You uh….must have hit your head pretty badly," Edward tentatively began. "Do you…uh…need to get any help?" Not that he wanted Envy back to normal. And that wasn't because he liked Envy's affections or anything, just that Edward liked not having to fear Envy. Something like that. He obviously had no feelings for-

Edward decided not to finish that thought; he didn't want his brain to explode.

"Lust already examined me all over," Envy said, (and Edward's brain exploded) "And I feel okay, but I should probably get some rest or something dumb like that. It is probably a good idea…" Envy, even after the amnesia, Edward noticed, you could see Envy as he thought. Not that Edward was observing him romantically or anything, or that he ever had.

"Okay then, Envy…uh…see you!"

"Yes, I'll s_ee_ you _tonight_!" Envy said, walking out the door, grinning wickedly. He had not changed, though his memory had.

_Later…_

Edward did not leave the room for a long time; he was kind of in shock. However, Riza Hawkeye knocked on the door. Reluctantly, he opened it.

"Yes, Lieutenant?"

She paused and looked around. "I don't really know how to say this…but when you were in there…I saw-"

"He had amnesia!" Edward failed to explain.

"Oh…I see." Riza replied, wondering what exactly happened and why. She supposed it meant Envy had defected or something. She didn't really fall for it, but if Envy really did defect, she would respect him for it. "You're..ah…very sweet together."

"Please don't, Lieutenant-"

"It's fine, Fullmetal. I know the feeling-"

"Lieutenant-"

"I'm just saying, as long as this does not interfere with work, and as long as Envy will not try to infiltrate our nation, and as long as you both can keep your love you have my bless-"

"LIEUTENANT!"

"All right, all right. You…have a good evening."

Edward groaned inwardly, remembering Envy's "I'll see you tonight," and had a good idea already of what his evening would be like.

Sweet Leto, what a life.


End file.
